“Without doubt none of you will have known Laura’s late mother. The intention of Laura’s speech is to deliver an enlightening and hopefully amusing eulogy for this 93 year old amiable matriarch. Since late February, Laura has been sorting through her Mother’s estate and whilst what she has found was not a huge surprise to her, it does make her smile. With her speech entitled “Just how many shoehorns does one woman want?”, please welcome Laura McHarrie.”

I am sure that every one of us in this room knows someone in their circle of family and friends that never throws anything away?  Yes? Yes? Yes?

Lady President, Mr Toastmaster, fellow Toastmasters.  This was my Mother!  Bless her.  No priceless treasures nor rare artefacts in her collections, more like thousands of milk bottle tops that she collected for charity and never got round to passing them on.  At least you can say that her heart was in the right place collecting such items for charity, she did the same with batteries and printer ink cartridges.  

(Mum on her 93rd birthday 2024)

But what do you make of 23 shoehorns?  15 of which are exactly the same make, size and colour.  I mean, there is one for every person in this room and there’d still be 10 left over.

Have a guess (go on; in your head) as to how many pairs of scissors she amassed?  Have you got a number?  Anyone close to 43?  It was as if she believed that someday, the world would face a scissor shortage, and she was determined to be prepared.

Perhaps her most ambitious collection was her VHS tapes. Over 200 of them, filled to the brim with TV programmes she had recorded. She truly believed that one day, she would sit down and marathon through every single one of those tapes. Maybe right now, that’s just what she is doing..

She could laugh at herself and her eccentricities, and tut with her tongue in cheek. And while her collections may have raised some eyebrows, she just would not let them go.  In clearing out her papers I found five copies of this one poem, secreted in various different folders.  I might add that there were many poems cut out carefully from the Daily Mail along with 3 folders of PitcherWits not yet tackled.  

The poem is by Tricia Sturgeon and is entitled … wait for it …

Clutter

My life is full of clutter; I ought to take a stand

Against this hoarding instinct, must take myself in hand.

You’re absolutely right, I am … I know, I know

A jumble ‘kleptomaniac’, unable to let go.

I’ve cupboards full of crockery I’ll never ever use.

My feet are now a different shape to that of all my shoes.

The bookcases are stuffed with books all purchased on a whim.

The chances of my reading them are pitifully slim.

My wardrobe’s bulging at the seams with clothes I’ll never wear,

(Some in residence so long they’re probably quite rare!)

I really can’t remember when they last saw the light of day, 

Hopelessly old-fashioned but “too good to throw away”.

I’ve hats and socks and gloves galore and scarves of every hue,

All packed together like sardines and most of them brand new.

I’ve ornaments and knick knacks adorning every nook,

And dangly things and tinkly chimes each hanging from a hook.

The fridge is full, the freezer too, the cupboards groan and creak,

The making of a meal entails a game of hide and seek.

I don’t know what I am going to do … d’you think I need a shrink?

Alas my brain is cluttered too … there isn’t room to think!

It seems these’s one solution friends, so, should you ever see,

“House for sale, all contents too,” you’ll know that God has got me!

So here’s to my mother, the queen of clutter. May her laughter echo through the halls of heaven, and may memories of her ‘kleptomania’ bring a smirk to our faces for years to come. Cheers to you, Patricia. You may have left us with a lot of stuff to sort through, but you also nourished us with a lifetime of love.

For Engaging Humour Project #2-2 – Connect With Your Audience (5:00-7:00 min)
Choose a topic that is unfamiliar to the majority of your audience; practice adapting during the presentation; monitor the audience’s reaction to the topic and adapt as necessary to maintain engagement.

Published by TheHiddenEdge

I love words - they communicate so much or so little depending on how you use them. Come and explore my thoughts with me in this, my learning journal. View all posts by TheHiddenEdge